You’re by far the best thing to have ever happened to me.

In all seriousness. I’ve never been so happy in a relationship before. This is probably going to be the rant of all rants. I highly doubt that you’ll ever read this, but yeah. 

I love you so fucking much it hurts sometimes. But it’s a good type of pain. 

When I’m away from you, it feels like someone snapped the back of my neck, or I had a heart attack, or my lungs collapsed. And the only thing keeping me alive is the life support breathalizer thing. That being the hope of seeing you, better yet seeing you soon. 

You’re the only person to have ever made a serious effort at helping me be happy. To actually work with me on my self esteem Actually battle with it through me and make me see how ridiculous I act, and the things that I say. You’ve taught me so much about not giving a fuck what people think and doing what makes me happy. Despite the amount of people that would disagree with me. 

You helped give me the courage to move out of my mom’s house, you helped me accept the fact I’ll never be stick skinny, and that that’s okay. You taught me how to just enjoy life and not to worry so fucking much. I’m so much calmer than I used to be. I don’t worry myself AS much at all. I still worry, but it’s dropped a significant amount.

You’re the best of a friend I could have ever asked for. You were the only one making me laugh and smile when no one else could. You were the only one that would understand when no one else would. You were the only one that wouldn’t judge me when others would be the one to cast the first stone. You were the one that I could tell some secrets too, because I knew that you wouldn’t repeat them.You were the only one that really stuck out. You were the only one that I could break down all my walls, cry to, and feel completely safe. Like nothing bad could ever touch me. As long as I was around you, I knew that I was safe. 

I love you so much. No, fuck it. I’m completely and entirely in love with you. I’m smitten. I’m crazy about you. I’m probably a tad bit too clingy or obsessed. But I don’t give a fuck. It’s still amazes me that you’re my boyfriend. At this very moment, I’m picturing your face. And you smiling at me. And I think back over two and half years ago to when I first saw that face. And I can’t believe how far we’ve come. 

I love every single little fucking thing about you. I love how your eyes squint and your smile takes over your whole face when you’re laughing or when you’re just happy in general. I love how tiny you are. I love how your shoulders and stomach feel when I hold you at night when we are able to sleep together. I love your hair. I love how scruffy you are and how it feels when you kiss me. I love how your lip ring pinches my lip when we kiss. I love how my hand fits perfectly into yours. I love how you’re JUST a bit taller than me, basically how you’re right at my height. I love how funny you are. I love how you just light up a room in general. I love that adorable voice you get when you tell me you miss me. I love how obnoxious we are when we say goodnight to each other. I love how when I’m having a bad day, you’ll imediately out of no where come up with the funniest shit, or keep making stupid faces until I finally give in a laugh. I love how you won’t let me be sad or mad. I love how you sit though all my hormonal bitchy rants. I love how you hold me when I really need a hug. I love that silly grin/smirk you get on your face when I’m standing over you in your chair and tell you I love you. I love how you’ll wrestle with me. I love how you borrow my clothes. I love how you make me feel like a fucking goddess when we have sex. I love all of that in general. I love how good you make me feel. It’s just.. agh. Gah. I love how you’re sexy/cute all at the same time. 

I’m so proud to call you mine. I’m still amazed at the fact that I can do so. All those years that I sat there staring at a computer screen, flustered with countless emotions all jumbled together just by looking at you. Especially when you were sad, or when you were upset. All I ever wanted you to know that I would be yours in a heart beat. All I ever wanted at that time was for you to look at me, and know that I would be yours if you just asked. I battled with myself. I knew I could easily fall in love with you. I was so scared. I was so scared that I was going to get hurt again. That I was going to get my hopes up for something that could never be.

I remember how I hated the fact that I could relate to “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift for 2 years. 

I remember being scared out of mind that summer when you were at band camp and you OD’d. I remember having to put my phone up, and I was up most of the night worried sick that something happened to you. I remember crying and praying to God that you were okay. I remember that awful pain I felt in my chest. 

I remember how much pain it gave me to look at you sick as a dog after “..that bitch” dumped you. I remember how you were going on like, “fuck relationships, fuck having girlfriends, i’m tired of all this bullshit, no one really cares for me, blah blah blah” I remember thinking in my head, “ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? I FUCKING LOVE YOU! I know I could be in love with you. I would treat you a million times better than any bitch out there, and if some girl out there thinks she can out do me, dumb cunt is sadly mistaken. I love every single thing about you and I completely accept you for who you are.”

I remember how I felt after I spilled all my guts to you and how I seriously thought I had just fucked up our entire relationship and made it super awkward. I remember after that and crying in my head I was like, “anddd now you just fucked up everything” And then, you got to the point you were teary eyed. And that how you felt exactly the same way. I can’t begin to even describe to you to this day how happy that made me. That you were just as serious about this as I was. How you were the only one that I wanted, the only one that I needed. 

No, I can tell you how I felt. It’s just about how great I felt when I finally saw you. When I could finally touch you, kiss you, look you in the eye and tell you how I love you. How I felt like I was about to just explode when you asked me out in my living room. I remember exactly how you did it. And I remember going back to my room and literally dancing around and fist pumping by myself I was so damn happy. 

I want to travel all over the place with you. I want to backpack all over Europe with you. I want us to get shit faced drunk together in Ireland, explore the countryside of Scotland, Go to concerts in the UK, smoke our heads off in Amsterdam, stuff our bellies in Italy, and make love in France. I wanna go on a road trip with you all over the states. Go get our tattoos done at LA Ink, have sex on a beach, go skinny dipping in a lagoon, live like Kurt Cobain for a day in Seattle, go camping in the mountains, and then come back home and just pass out with you wherever. 

 I could cry from how overwhelming it is for me to write this. You fell asleep, again. I wish I was with you so bad, but it’s okay. Soon, we can have nights where I can roll over and feel you next to me, and knowing it wasn’t going to change anytime soon. I can wait for summer of 2013 to get here so I can pack all my shit up in my car, and then drink a shit ton of tea and energy drinks so I can make that one way 15 hour drive trip to you.

And I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say things that I haven’t even been able to tell you face to face: 

I want to be with you the rest of my life. I would not say that unless I was completely 120% sure with myself. And that’s saying alot, because I’m never sure of myself. You know that. I want be able to wake up next to you and only you for the next however many years we’re still alive. I wanna be able to come home to OUR apartment and have you there. I want to be able to go to sleep at night knowing you’re there next to me, and that you’re going to be there when I wake up. I want to be the girl that you ask to marry. And I feel like I’m being cheesy as fuck right now, but I got to get it out of my system. I’ve kept it in for way too fucking long. I want to be your wife in the future. I want to have your last name and become a Gauthier. I want to have kids with you some day. I want to take our kids to concerts and let them do things that me and you never got to do. I want to grow old with you so we can bitch at people to get off our lawn and smoke weed all day because we have nothing better to do. And I want to die knowing that I found my true soul mate, and he made me the happiest woman in the universe. 

I love you so much, Tyler. Don’t ever doubt for a second that I love you any less than I did before.